Keys to the Kingdom

[Intro – Spoken, casual tone, false confidence]

Yeah, I emailed it.
All of it.
Username. Password. Root.
Subject line? "Here you go."
Put a little smiley face at the end too —
So they’d know I was being helpful.

[Verse 1 – Dry, matter-of-fact]

Well I figured it was easier that way.
They kept asking.
They said it was urgent.
They said it’d be faster
If I just… sent the credentials.
So I did.

Now they're in.
And I’m still here.
Feet up.
Watching the firewall flicker like a gaslight dinner party.

[Chorus – Monotone sarcasm]

Here’s the keys to the kingdom —
Don't forget to water the plants.
Here’s the master login —
And the confidence of ignorance.
If they wanted a way in,
Well, I gave 'em the front door.
Told them, “Mi casa es su data.”
And they walked right through.

[Verse 2 – Spoken, getting twitchier]

And now… now there’s a bloke named “X_ghostman.exe”
Running HR from a beach in Estonia.
My printer prints ransom notes.
My webcam keeps blinking when I blink.
The smart kettle’s taken sides.

Still.
No regrets.
Except maybe that I didn’t BCC the IT guy.

[Verse 3 – Resigned, spiraling into calm madness]

The fridge keeps asking for a password.
The fridge.
My inbox is just skull emojis and Bitcoin requests.
There's a PowerPoint deck in my OneDrive
Titled "YOU DID THIS."
Fair play.

But I’ve still got my chair.
And the office plant.
Which I’ve named “Trust.”
It’s not looking great.

[Bridge – Deadpan & looping]

I’m not saying I’m the reason the network’s toast.
I’m just saying...
I helped butter the bread.
[Final Chorus – Slightly unhinged delivery]

Here’s the keys to the kingdom —
Hope you locked the gates behind ya.
Here’s the golden access pass —
Hope you changed the PIN.
And if they ask who sent them in,
Just tell them it was me.
With a smile.
And a “cheers.”

[Outro – Bitter mutters, long pause between each line]

Click.
Sent.
Read receipt: yes.
CC: Disaster @ wargrave college dot ac dot uk
Subject: “Happy to help.”